I can feel her pulling away again, after such a promise she’s changed. I so yearn to feel loved and wanted as a daughter. I feel needed as her friend, I feel expected to operate in whatever way fills her emptiness, but I don’t feel nurtured or protected or guided. It’s still about her.

The distance between us, and what I see as her reverting to old ways, is hard to describe to you – it’s something I think only I can sense. It’s done through kind words with plenty of exclamation points and smiley faces. It’s such a clever way to prevent me from trying to reach out for help, to keep me isolated. How can I explain this to someone without looking ungrateful – like I am the one in the wrong here? She’s smart, we know that. She taught us that.

I feel a tension. After coming back together from being apart for a year, there’s an expectation that we’d figured it out. We said we knew that we wouldn’t be perfect, and that we’d be understanding of mistakes. But it’s worse now, even heavier with even more at stake because what happens if we can’t do it after all she’s done to change? She’s done so much, if it still doesn’t feel like enough, how hurtful for her! It’s happening again – [safety protocol]: My feelings stay inside because they hurt mom…her feelings are the ones that matter.

It would feel better to admit that we can’t give each other what we need than to keep trying. We? Wait – I have already given more than any daughter should. It is not my job to give her anything. Why does this feel like a break-up? I don’t hear the term break-up applied to mothers and daughters. That’s what couples do.

What’s next? A new therapist (Inner Voice: “Another new therapist?” Direct Quote From Mom: “Do you know how sad that sounds?”. Well, it’s hard to stick with a therapist when you’re operating with a deep attachment wound. I was unattachable to the one person who was supposed to guarantee attachment. What does that imply about getting unconditional support from someone who’s not even biologically wired to do that for me?)

What else? Well, I yearn to detach from her. The exhilaration that coursed through my body when one therapist said “you need to cut ties with her” is still there when I think about doing it again. The first time, the relief came with pain. This time…much more relief, much less pain. Well…sort of. This time it just actually just feels like the only path forward. It’s starting to settle, gently, into my core as a truth, like a leaf floating down swaying back and forth until it finds its home on the ground.

What else? Well, I want to move away (Direct Quote From Mom: “Only kids who hate their parents move away.” And another: “You wouldn’t be happy living anywhere else anyway.” And another: “You can move away for a while, but you’ll be back.”). Well, let’s make sure we’re moving because we want to and not because we just want to get away. I’ve always wanted to move though…but has it been for the right reasons? Hard to know. I’m programmed not to listen to myself. What’s a true thought? What’s a protector part? Or one of the many opinions I was taught is a fact? I wish I could be a slate wiped clean.

She has taken a lot from me. I mourn the life I could have had if our roles weren’t switched. If I got the be the one who was taken care of, who felt safe having wants and needs. If I didn’t have to be the one who adopted all of the fear, shame, guilt, anxiety – and who had to do it alone. But despite the emotional abuse – or whatever was meant to disable and reprogram me – there’s still something in there that survived. There’s a special part of me inside that JUST…WONT…QUIT. It is pulled toward healing like a magnet, and whenever I feel like I don’t want to do it anymore, I pick up and I keep going. Thank god she didn’t take that. She must not have known it was there.